Topaz Space Vampire Monkeys From Space
by Man Who Hates Nature
Summary: its teh best evar
1. Chapter 1

Once upon a millennium ago, there was the city of Neo Crystal Russo-Nacho New Baltimore. It was known as Russo-Nacho. The race that lived there was the Jues. They were very smart and had cat ears. They also had lizard tails, but these were very short. They were lazy, though, and had made robots. The robots were called Bob and ran on materia, the energy source of Russo-Nacho. Soon, the robots got smart too and took a lot of the materia. They wanted to be the owners of the city. They wanted to summon Satan with an infant-massacring ritual. They gathered up all of the baby Jues and, by accident, an adult baby. They got ready to do the summoning while all the Jues were plugged into their sleep-ports. The Bobs put all the materia in place to summon Satan then looked at the babies. Then, they realized they were hungry. Forgetting, the robots ate the babies.

"Oops," said Bob 1, the leader, "we shouldn't have done that..."

Then they sacrificed the adult baby as a substitute. There were a lot of clouds in their Satanic Circle, and then God appeared. But, instead, it was Evil God, God's clone.

"Bwuahahahahahaha!" yelled Evil God. Then he waved his hands of doom, and a giant crack appeared in the ground. There was fire and lava. Then 13,042 demons burst out of it, and they were clones of Sora, the regular one.

"Rawr!" said the Sora clones. Then they attacked the Jues' city. After eating the robots. They were yummy. The Sora clones were having fun destroying Russo-Nacho and eating all their beef. It was good and beefy, like beef jerky. They were raising hell, and the Jues couldn't stop the clones. Then, all of a sudden, Vincent Valentine appeared, floating in the sky like an airplane. He had the Holy Materia, the one that could solve all the world's problems, like poverty and hunger and all that shit. But he was evil too. He turned part-dragon and started to breathe fire on Russo-Nacho. It was raining fire on dem hoes. The Jues ran around screaming and yelling, running for their lives. It was Hitler _**all**_ over again.

Then Godzilla came out of the crack to battle Vincent because he was Good. There were mini Godzillas. Godzilla had a staff and a battleaxe. Vincent and Godzilla fought a mighty battle. It was later named World War IV. They battled all over the place, and everything in Russo-Nacho was destroyed. The Sora clones moved on to go eat other people. Then Satan came too. And he helped Vincent with his awesomeness. It was all cool. Then the _**REAL**_ God came. He was fighting pretty soon too. It was all a mess.

But this is not our story.

OoO

Hi. My name is Topaz Mark Zeus Susy Diet-Mayonnaise Elizabeth Caty Stanton Swan. Eveyone just call me Topaz. Sum people call me Swan thou thats my last name. I'm Bella Swan's long lost black cousun. I has a twin name Schiniqua José Strawberry-Daiquiri Pluto-girl Pablita Swan. Butt she dies. I have an other twin Astro Boy. He live in space. I has long orange hair that go down to ma ankles. It have black hilights becase I born on Haloween. My skin is as black as night. When someone turn off light no body can see me becase I blends in. I has bright red eyes the color of blood becase Evil God is ma father and Britney Spear is ma mum. Britney Spear is a singeer with brawn hair and purple eyes like Grimjow from dat show bleach. I sniffed sharpies get speciul visons.

I has a claw hand and the other was web like plattipus. George my other long lost cousun are 1108 year old and he is Nazi in WWI. I always wear tank tops and jeens. Eveythun me wear are green black and topaz. Ma fav food are chicken and watermelon and lam. Sumtime I eated hemun fresh. I are mermaid butt with legs and could atack people with supasonic wave.

And I am move to Sporks too live with Bella Swan.

OoO

I are in my manson in Sporks. I say good bye to all 714 of ma aminals in the manson me made into zoo. I had rabbets, rabbis, priests, little children, monk keys, ibexes, Jean Simmons, lion, cats, shittezoos, spongebobs, and hotpockets.I take motorcicle too Bella Swan's house. It a 20 hour ride to dat blue and white house. Luck my motorcicle have jetpacks on it. I are fly at 135,446 mills per hour an almost hit bear in the froest. Bells Swan meeted me at front dor of dat hose.

"HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she yeled real loud and noisy. I waves at her with ma claw hand. We high 5ed. She sad high a gain and let I into hose. A Dude was dere and he say high to.

"I Edward Culen!!!!!" he sed.

"I name Topaz Mark Zeus Susy Diet-Mayonnaise Elizabeth Caty Stanton Swan son. You is real cool Edmund.

"My name are Edward." he sed. "I hate u Swansun."

"It are Edmund now and I didn't gave shit wut you thank."

Edmund did a frowny face. Bella Swan teleported to we from Antartica. She is cover in snow.

"I got polar bear!" she sed all happy like. "My compas are working!"

"Where are polar?" Edmund assed.

"On Check-Slovakya!" Bella Swan sed. "Let we go!"

And we all go into a batmobile and I drived. We goes North into the mexican Borders. Then us went to Brasil and I drived us to Switzerland. Then we drived to Australia and finaly to Check-Slovakya. It only took 5 minuts. We went above the sped limit at 80 mills per hour. We go out of a batmobile and sea anteter on a ruber ball.

"That is moose!!!!!!!!!!! Not polar!!!" exclamed Edmund.

"Rabbi trade me polar for 1 dolar." sed Bella Swan. She jk thou. "It a anteter not an polar beer!"

"Were is us?" I sed. Bella Swan quick grab us in big beer hug then us teleport.

"We is bak in Sporks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she sed. Edmund did an WoW face.

"Why u have nife?" Edmund assed and was look at Bella Swan.

"I kill u and u die." Bella Swan laughs. "I knew the sekret of Edmund now." she sed.

"Oh noes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Edmund sed knowinf Bella Swan is bad.

Edmund Culen are realy Bob Seecrest. He was not relating to Ryan Seecrest. Bob/Edmund was ghost but not zombie ghost. We call him Edmund at now moment. He can sea throu wall wit Z-ray vison diferant from X-ray vison. All ghost cans go throu wall and turn unvisable becase he are sun of Diablo. His middle name are God. Edmund can turn cloth unvisable to. He needs organ joos thou. It builded strong bone or sumthin. Edmund now go kill Bella Swan now the moment. He puled out a chansaw. They is good wepun.

"I luvs you!" sed Bella Swan. "Butt do wut need to be done!" Edmund stop wen he sea buttrfly. He kill Bella Swan anyway thou.

"No!!!!!!!!!!! I needed polar!" Bella Swan sed and die. Edmund then die becase he sad. I shuged and went to a batmobile.

"O well." I sed. I go long way to Alps in New Mexiland. There is hermit. He give me materia.

"Fed materia to polar!!!!" he exclamed. He name is Holden Caulfield. I drived to Alasca and finded polar beer. It die becase I stare reel hard at polar. Tere are sekret key inside.

I go to next lvl.


	2. Chapter 2

I arived in Nevada City. Its in New Zeeland. That're in Midearth. I see a horse wit a guy on top.

"Hi!" I sed. He said hi bac. "I'm Topaz Mark Zeus Susy Diet-Mayoonaise Elizabeth Caty Stanton Swan!" I yeled.

"I is Aragaon sun of dude and an whore. I tink she name is Girugamesh." he sed.

"I am call you Acorn." I sed. I don't got him. He all blue an shit wit dat big head.

"Butt I is Aragaon sun of some dude and an whore!"

"No Acorn." I said all sirius like. And Acorn shut up becase I is awsum. Acorn did a pouty face.

"I has go to sum Elf Sitty to seen hobbets." he sed.

"KK." I sed. We went tere in 5 minuts. He ran on horse. I run on feet at 3,000,000,000,800,120,003 mills per hour. Thats teh sped of lite. The elfs on Midearth sed high to us and gived us food. Acorn eated all the spinach an pound cake. Ten teh hobbets come. Everybody has meetin an shit. There was dwarph and shit an uniocorns an fearies an Bob Dillian. Prety soon it is all night.

"Wur is you?" sed Lego Ass. He's baby elv. I blend in wit the sky becase I so dark an I is all sneaky lik. I ate an hobbet. He tast like beef.

Then its mourning and I got to Lego Ass and Big Head Man (aka Acorn). I sed Acorn "You hed is to big!"

He sed. "No it not!"

Then Lego Ass sed. "Gais dont be fighten. Make love not wawr!"

Then he say sum other shit. I did no pay atencion.

Then us an teh hobbets all go to an rok. They calls it Mont Evarst or sumtin. We goes then somes wizerd dude got all eatin an shit. He name were Dumbldoor I tink. Then Lego Ass seen demon (he name Saten) and we is all fighten and shit. Acorn Big Head loss life. He hav 5 leff noaw. Then we is goes to teh Froest of Les. That is tree ppl tere and they sed high. The tre ppl name Aunts. Donno why theys name dat butt its all cool. Then we rode Aunts to More Door wit Acorn on horse. He hed got biger. Sum dude name Sauce Er be all lik ! Then we an Lego Ass an Acorn all kil him. Lego Ass loss 4 liff. And Acorn has only 1 liff. Then I kil Acorn wit an lasur beem form ma eyes. I find key.

I an Lego Ass go next lvl.


End file.
